Ten rules of BDSM

1. Be patient!
Dominant: Until you enter into a contract or an otherwise formalized and negotiated relationship or situation with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your submissive time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.

Submissive: A potential dominant will let you know if (s)he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don't expect your dominant to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.

2. Be humble
Dominant: You may be Gods' gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are - and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.

Submissive: You may be God's gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your dominant can never reach.

3. Be open.
Dominant: Although the dominant is classically considered to be the teacher in BDSM, you can always learn from your submissive, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.

Submissive: You can learn something about BDSM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. BDSM is a very personal art, and an "I already know it all" attitude will make you miss valuable lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable BDSM friends.

4. Communicate!
Dominant: You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing BDSM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of erotic power exchange with your submissive, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that your submissive instinctively knows the ground rules.

Submissive: Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your dominant needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But - unless it's an emergency - wait until your dominant asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a mind-reader or clairvoyant who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.

5. Be honest
Dominant: If you lack experience in an area that your submissive would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.

Submissive: Don't be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the dominant will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.

6. Be sensitive
Dominant: There's a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your submissive's needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is something, shared you. Use it appropriately.

Submissive: Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your dominant ahead of time. But don't always expect your dominant to be a puppet in a fantasy play you've written in your head. It's far better to let your dominant surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you're never been before. When you trust your dominant completely, let her or him know it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies.

7. Be realistic
Dominant: End the scene with the submissive wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don't try to imitate them to the last detail.

Submissive: Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced dominants have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don't call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between this and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few dominants are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment. Your dominant's equipment is expensive - respect it and don't abuse it.

8. Be really dominant!
Dominant: Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life - it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don't shirk your responsibility to your submissive or fellow dominants. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role - now take it!

Submissive: This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don't coach or second guess or be critical of your dominant. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a dominant. You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey if you don't. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your dominant has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.

9. Be healthy!
Dominant: Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don't attempt to do BDSM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of "drugs and alcohol don't affect me that much... I can do it anyway" violates your submissives trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don't want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be playing the game!

Submissive: BDSM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants - both active and passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an "I want it all now" attitude when you aren't able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.

10. Have fun!
Dominant: After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play.

Submissive: After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative SM play.

Facesitting

Facesitting, also known as kinging or queening, is a sexual practice in which one partner sits on or over the other's face, typically to allow oral-genital or oral-anal contact, or to further ass worship or body worship. It is common for this position to form part of BDSM, involving dominance and submission, though this need not be the case.

Facesitting is most common among homosexuals, dominant women and submissive men, but also vice-versa, for demonstrating superiority and for sexual gratification. It is also practiced by vanilla sex couples for cunnilingus where the woman kneels over the man, and sits on his upper chest rather than face.

Unlike facesitting, in smothering the smothered partner is deprived of air.

The full-weight body-pressure, moisture, sex odors and darkness can be perceived as powerful sexual attractions or compulsions. The person sat upon may be in bondage, sexually submissive, or simply held down by the body-weight of the other person. Sometimes special furniture is used, such as a smotherbox or queening stool.

Difference between BDSM play and torture

Which made me think about the real difference between bdsm play and torture.

The techniques may be similar, even, on occasion, as in waterboarding, exactly the same. But there the similarity ends. In BDSM, the intense practice may be an hour, but its more likely to be just a few minutes and rarely, it may be longer. There will be a build up to the practice, in which trust is built between top and bottom, even if the actual words and expression don't make this obvious. The intense practice itself induces huge panic and maybe intense pain (sensation is a better, less emotive word) that may overcome the initial trust, leading to the classic 'head fuck' which is largely the point of the exercise. But regardless of the head fuck, there IS knowledge, at some level, that trust remains.

After the practice, the bottom will be held and nurtured, again, this is true even if some of the practice looks, on the surface, different (I'm thinking of the sort of scene where the slave may just be chucked in a cage afterwards, but however care-less it may look, it never is).

Compare this with torture practice. There is absolutely no trust established first, exactly the opposite, there is no knowledge, at any level, that the subject will be looked after, and there is no promise of aftercare, and certainly no more than the medical minimum. Practice may continue for days. This is not a head fuck as we know it, it is a psychological insult that is very real.

I raise this issue because its easy to want to portray bdsm practice as similar to 'real' torture, as it is to want bdsm type rape fantasy to be in some way similar to the real rape, because in that brief moment, under careful control, the bottom can feel something similar to the real insult. For whatever reason, that experience is important. But, to the world outside bdsm looking in, its in our interest to be careful that we do highlight how our practice is ultimately nurturing and not actually similar to the real thing.